Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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