thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We left the knife in your bed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize