life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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