Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
