somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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