We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
