Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
