Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
