Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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