farters have to be the big spoon...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
