Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
