Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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