Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
