Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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