I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
