My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
