she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
