Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
