did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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