hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
