I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
