Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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