There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
