if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
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You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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