May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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