dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
