I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
