well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
