the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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