How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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