Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
