The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
