It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
