I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
