Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
