drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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