called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
