I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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