I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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