And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
drinking out of a sandbucket again
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
