I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
