If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
