How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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