I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
