I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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