Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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