I met the friendliest cop last night
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
