I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
