I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
