Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
