I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
