At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
