If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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