I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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