I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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